An attempt at writing...

The Godly Wife:
Questions that Encourage


This article is written for us Christian women who desire and seek to honor the Lord through godly lives as wives and mothers. So often, we fall short. We all do. Right now at this very moment, my heart is in “godly sorrow” mode for a sin against my husband. Through God’s grace though, I cannot view this sin against my husband as a “failure” on my part—but as a sin, that can and is forgiven. Not a failure. To use the word “failure” would be to say, “As a believer, I am without hope.” No, I should see myself as “More than a conqueror.” Through the ever present and divine power of the Holy Spirit, I can be a godly wife. No, on this side of heaven I will not reach perfection. But through His strength and through faith I can please Him with my life. I can set a pattern of godliness as a wife, because, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” And that is the secret to my contentment in life. It is the secret that keeps me from wallowing in my “failures.” It is the secret that drives me forward after I sin, not backwards. It is what keeps me out of the pit of self pity, when I sin. It is that knowledge that keeps me from punishing myself over and over again, for a sin that has been forgiven. There is always hope for God’s children. Always. When I lose hope, it is not because there is less to hope in, it is because of the variableness of my heart—my heart has lost focus on that hope--because I am not clinging to that eternal hope.
The following questions are based on scriptural concepts for the Christian wife. The questions are meant to only serve as a tool to encourage us toward a God-ward focus in our marriages. It also can serve as a sort of evaluation of where I am at. While, it is true that at times when we follow the commands of scripture, it brings about pleasant results—God does not intend for us to make that our motivation. God can use our obedient lives to encourage others to be obedient. But we must not make this our driving purpose in following God’s commands. And we must recognize that just because I am obeying God will not always mean my husband will. It is important that our primary purpose in obedience to God is because of our commitment to God. God’s word should not be used to accomplish our own will. When we follow the commands of scripture, yet our husbands do not, this will test the motives of our heart. If I choose to discontinue following God’s commands because my husband mistreats me or disobeys God, then that reveals my true motives. Just like, if I continue to obey God, no matter what my husband does, that too will reveal my true motives.
Something I have learned is that my husband has come to rely on me a lot. Just like I have come to rely on him. I believe God intended it to be this way. I think that God means to meet our needs through each other. Not every single need. But a lot of them. I also believe God uses us to show his love to others. I can think of several times my husband did some little thoughtful deed and it was enough to give me the wind in my sails to carry me through the rest of the day. I readily admit that I need my husband’s love and encouragement. When he becomes thoughtless toward me or is harsh with me, that is so very discouraging. It actually can become a stumbling block for me. It can become an obstacle that makes it even harder to live out the Christian life. I would venture to guess that our husbands count on our support in a similar way. You and I both would admit that we are responsible for our own actions and attitudes. But think about the last time your husband praised you or thought to bring you flowers—did this encourage you on to be more attentive to him? Did this give you some umption in your gumption to keep on keeping on? Maybe it even gave you such a vitamin boost that you felt you could take on the world…well, at least the next crisis. There is something about feeling like we are being cheered on. Like someone is on our side--no matter what there is someone who will stick with me. Never turn against me.
So, our primary reason for being a godly wife should be, of course, to honor God with our lives, but what if part of honoring God with our lives was to be the wind in our husband’s sails? To be his cheerleader? Perhaps it honors God to make the cause and effect our secondary motivation—so that we are enriching our marriages?
The following questions can challenge us, draw our attention to areas that need some extra work, or relieve us that we are doing pretty good in some areas. One thing that I think is important to recognize is that just because I fall short in any of these areas does not make me an ungodly wife, nor does it excuse my husband for his sins. But excelling in one or more of these areas does not necessarily mean I have it all together either. What we do does not make us more spiritual. It is Christ in us that makes us more righteous. But these questions can motivate you to press forward to what is ahead, to set your focus on that prize. Please remember, any practical suggestion that I may give in how to apply these scriptural principles, are only suggestions and should not be considered as part of God’s commands. Ask God to give you the wisdom to know how best you can follow through in obedience.
1. What would you say is your primary goal in your marriage: to please God (2 Corinthians 5:9), or to please yourself and hope that God agrees? This is a foundational question for spiritual growth as a godly wife. If pleasing God is not your primary goal, then many things will deter you from following his commands. You may find yourself only obeying God’s commands when it is in your best interest, when it produces the results you are hoping for. You may also find yourself struggling with obeying God when your husband is struggling with obedience. However, if your motivation is from a heart that desires to honor God, then no obstacle will stop you from obedience to God.
2. In what ways do you demonstrate that you are your husband’s helper? (Gen. 2:18) — Do you find ways to encourage and support him, making his service to God easier? Or do the things you say or do hinder him in anyway?
3. How do you show that you cleave to your husband (Gen. 2:24)? Do you put him first? Do his opinions and preferences matter more to you than your parents, friends, authors, teachers, etc? Do you defer to him before others?
3. In what ways do you show your submission to the leadership of your husband in your home? (Gen. 3:16; cf. Prov. 19:3; 21:9, 19; 27:15)? There are some things we can do that will help us guard against trying to be the “leader” of our home. Do your words reflect a respect for your husband? Seeking to show respect with our words, even when we are expressing how we feel about something is one way we can show our submission. It helps to first think carefully about what we should say—filtering our words carefully before we speak can protect us from disrespectfulness. We also show respect to the leader of our home by speaking only good things about our husbands. Not putting him in a negative light. You may also want to consider outside influences that could effect your attitude toward the headship of your husband.
4. Consider your wedding vows. What were/are they? Are you following through with each one? (Ecclesiastes 5:4, 5; Num. 30:2-5; Ps. 15:4b; 50:14; 76:11; Prov. 20:25; contrast Prov. 2:17)? The marriage vows are binding in God's eyes as long as you both shall live. Each day of the week, each moment of the day, you are either working to fulfill those vows, or you are breaking your commitment to them. If you realize that you have broken one or all of your vows, through confession and repentance you will find, not only forgiveness from God, but joy and a new start. It would be an encouragement to your husband as well, to confess this to him and ask him to pray for you as you start anew. Also remember, God is not seeking to condemn you for your sin, but to restore you to fellowship.
5. Are you consistently and openly appreciative of your husband (cf. Song 1:16; 5:10-16)? As a rule, husbands find love through a wife’s praise, honor, and kindness. I believe that most generally husbands respond well to a wife’s encouragement and kindness. In contrast, many husbands find it discouraging and frustrating when his wife is unkind and disrespectful toward him. I have seen men disengage from their wives emotionally when they are being nagged, disrespected, or discouraged. I believe it is similar for us as wives—when our husbands show their love to us through words, appreciation, gifts, thoughtfulness, etc. it becomes a source of strength to us. If a husband is neglectful a wife will usually find it more challenging to carry on through difficult times.
6. How much quality and quantity time do you give to your husband? Does your husband feel that he can discuss things that are on his heart with you? Do you provide the opportunity for him to share with you the things that cause him stress at work? There is never an excuse or justification for adultery and a man is ultimately responsible for remaining pure, but a man whose wife does not show appreciation and attentiveness to him could become more vulnerable to a flattering temptress that would show an interest in him.
7. In what ways do you show your husband that you are on his side? Does he know you are cheering him on? (cf. Prov. 31:23)? As he considers striving for higher goals, and weighs his assets against his liabilities, which are you? Can he say, "The whole world may be against me, but I know I can count on God and my wife to be with me all the way?" Or must he sigh, "This will be challenging, and all the more so because I can never predict from hour to hour whether my wife will be my best friend or my worst and cruelest enemy" (cf. Prov. 25:19)? Or worse still, does he feel, "I don't see how I can even try this, since my wife will be cutting and tearing at me every step of the way" (Prov. 12:4b)?
8. In what ways do you show your husband that your body belongs to him alone? (cf. Prov. 5:19; 1 Cor. 7:3b)? What can I say here? Do you put your husband off because of a headache? Do you withhold intimacy as a form of punishment or a way to manipulate your husband to get your way?
9. What reasons do you give your husband to be proud of you? Do you ever disgrace your husband (Prov. 12:4)? The zest for living that animates a man — or its lack — can reflect his wife's impact on him.
10. In what ways do you support, complement, and enhance your husband in his training of the children (Prov. 13:24; 1 Pet. 3:1, 2)? Do you ever interfere with his leadership (Prov. 10:1b; 29:15)? God’s design is for the husband to be the head of the home. Consider ways that you can encourage your husband to take this lead. If he is not, is there any possibility that he has “given up” this leadership because of the constant struggle he has with you?
11. How do you cultivate spiritual growth in your home? (cf. Job 2:9, 10; Prov. 12:4b)? They say that women most generally set the tone of the home. What tone do you set? Is it a place that is conducive for spiritual growth—as far as it depends on you? What part do you have in providing a restful, quiet refuge from the world and its sins?
12. How can you draw your husband closer to God through your words? (Song 4:16; 7:11)(Prov. 19:13b [Hebrew = something like "striking," or "assaulting dripping"; 27:15]? Do you use your tongue to build him up (Prov. 12:4; 14:1), or to tear him down (ibid.)? Be careful how you use your words. They are powerful. Cutting remarks, passive aggressive jabs, and tongue lashings will drive anyone away. Our words can cut through to a person’s soul and hurt them deeply.
13. How wise are you in accepting your husband's correction, whether mild or intense? Okay—this one can be a tough one for me. And in my experience with talking with other women, I am not alone. It is hard to welcome critique. It is hard to be told we have done something wrong or that we need to make adjustments to what we are doing. But a wise woman will welcome her husband’s rebukes, instructions, and challenges (Ps. 141:5; Prov. 9:8b, 9). One of the jobs that our husbands have is to love us as Christ does. Part of loving a person in this way means rebuking them when they need it. God has also commanded our husbands to be a part of the process of holiness in our lives. What makes it even harder to accept rebuke is when our husbands seem to lack compassion, gentleness, or humility in their approach. Yet, if we are wise, we will filter the way in which the message was delivered and consider the truth that is in it. No matter what, being wise will mean always keeping a teachable heart, no matter the spirit in which the message was delivered.
14. When you disagree with your husband, do you continue to respect him and the position that God has placed him in? Do you respect your husband in your heart, in how you think of him (Prov. 4:23; cf. 1 Pet. 3:2, 5, 6 with Gen. 18:12 [i.e. Sarah thought of Abraham as "my lord" in her heart])? Are you quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19)? Do you leave room for the possibility that you might be wrong? Are you willing to admit when you are wrong? Are you willing to run to the foot of the cross first? Or do you feel that he should admit his wrong first? Do you disagree in humility? Cor. 13:5b)? Do you give him the benefit of a doubt (1 Cor. 13:7), or do you "shoot first and ask questions later," or never? Do you "declare war" easily (contra 1 Cor. 13:5), or seldom or never (Eph. 4:2; Jas. 3:17)? Do you consider if this is just a preference rather than “he is wrong” issue?
15. When you realize that your husband is mistaken how do you handle it? Do you focus on winning him, by means of godly and respectful behavior (1 Peter 3:1, 2)? Are you more concerned about and for him than you are about proving yourself right? (Prov. 21:9, 19; 25:24; 27:15)? Again, assuming that your husband is indeed mistaken or in the wrong, how do you think about him? Do you refuse to judge his motives, or do you allow yourself to judge him, concluding that his motivation is evil (Matt. 7:1)? Do you think the worst of him, or the best (1 Cor. 13:7)? Do you let yourself be lured into thinking of and treating him as a despised enemy, or do you love and desire to help him as a dear friend — as you would want to be treated, were you in error (ibid.; Matt. 7:12)? Are you building a case against him in your heart, and devising strategies to defeat him? Do you continually set up unreasonable expectations for your husband to meet--setting him up for constant failure, or are you nurturing love and respect for him, and conceiving ways to help, bless, serve, adorn, and win him (Gen. 2:18; Prov. 12:4; 31:12; Rom. 13:10; 1 Pet. 3:1)? Are you looking for ways to be served or to serve?
16. In what ways can your husband’s heart trust in you? Is he able to be confident that you will do him good and not evil all the days of your life (Prov. 31:11, 12)? Does he have reason to be sure of your love, your support, your friendliness, your companionship, your help — all those things you promised him when you married him (Gen. 2:18, 24, 25; Prov. 2:17)? Or must he always be on guard, fearful of the next conflict? Can he concentrate on moving forward, of must he ever guard his flank, fearing your next assault? Does he live in fear that you might unexpectantly leave him?